Our external often reflects our internal thoughts, feelings and emotions. When I’m most stressed and my mind feels cluttered, the mess in my house can cause the internal junk to feel even more overwhelming than it is.

I’ve been doing a lot of “decluttering” in my life lately. Most recently making the biggest, scariest, most selfish decision for myself I can make… I quit my job.

I have spent most of the past 5 years chasing what I thought I wanted. I worked in business development and outreach for various behavioral health programs. My goal was to fulfill what I believed to be my life’s purpose: save lives by helping people who need treatment for mental health and addiction, especially addiction. I thought maybe if I could help other families save their loved one from addiction that maybe it would fill the hole in my heart of not being able to save my brother Tyler. My family didn’t know he was struggling with methamphetamine addiction when he died by suicide in 2005. He took his life before we could do anything to help him. It haunts all of us and I don’t think I’ve been able to work through that part of my grief.

So unfortunately, after jumping from one job to another searching for the “perfect position” and hunting for that feeling of truly fulfilling my purpose - it just never came. I kept digging a deeper and deeper hole searching for treasure and all I was doing was making it more difficult to climb out.

My mental health was on a downward spiral and no matter what I did, no matter how I told myself I’m doing what I’m supposed to, I couldn’t fill that void. I couldn’t overcome the burnout anymore.

For over a month now I have been struggling with deep depression. I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life, but I don’t remember it ever being this bad. The only time that topped it was the grief and despair I experienced after Tyler died. But this was different. My suicidal thoughts were overpowering me. I couldn’t get past the desire to escape my current circumstances or the fear that I will continue to come back to this place of deep, desperate hopelessness.

I knew I needed to make a change, but I felt stuck. And that feeling of being stuck was overwhelming. The clutter in my mind made it near impossible to determine what I needed to do. Was it my job, my relationship, my family, my daily responsibilities, or something else that was making me feel so miserable?

As I started to work on removing the clutter from my mind in therapy – working to block suicidal thoughts and recognizing shame-thoughts as they were happening – I started to feel lighter. But something was still weighing me down. It became clear that I am not confident or comfortable in my job anymore. Maybe I never was. I didn’t feel like I was being my authentic self. It was time to make a change and I needed to do something drastic.

So, I quit my job. I don’t have a plan other than pursing my dream of being a fulltime professional speaker, writer, coach, and influencer in the mental health and wellness arena.

I was terrified. Shaking. Completely freaking out! But after I officially gave my *resignation and sent my work equipment back, I started feeling lighter and lighter. I woke up the next morning with more clarity than I have had in a very long time. The unknown is scary, but not near as scary as not being able to get out of bed or being so low that I was fantasizing about how to **end my pain.

*I should mention that I do have back-up plan for financial security – otherwise I would not have quit.

**I also want to make it clear that I am actively working with a therapist on my suicide ideation and strongly encourage anyone struggling to seek help. I share my experiences openly in hopes of reducing stigma. Mental health disorders are real, and they are also treatable.

Just before writing this, I spent about an hour purging my work documents and paperwork that I’ve been holding on to. Then I started going through my clothes and getting rid of what I don’t wear anymore and forced myself to let it go even if I might wear it someday – because, let’s face it, we never do.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. What I do know is that as I was decluttering my space this morning, I realized my mind was starting to free up space for inspiration. I have a vision for what I want my life to be and excitement for how I’m going to make that happen.

We must purge the things in our life that are not serving us – and potentially bringing us down. I’m sure there will be moments that I will freak out and wonder if I made a huge mistake. For now, I am going to sit in this place of clarity and peace. I finally put MYSELF first. I couldn’t help anyone because I was so miserable. And we must help ourselves before we can help others.

I believe I am where I am supposed to be. And as I continue to declutter my physical space and my mind, I will slowly climb out of this hole I’ve been digging. Ironically, the treasure is at the surface. It was in front of me all along. I just couldn’t see it. And the dirt from that hole sure did make a big mess. It will take some time to clean it up, but at least I can see the light again.

What is blocking your light? What can you declutter from your space inside and out? Sometimes we need to take baby steps. Other times we need to take a giant leap. Regardless, start somewhere. If you’re searching for treasure, chances are it’s right in front of you already. Don’t let the mess get in the way of seeing it.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

(I stole that quote from Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection… I highly recommend it.)

P.S. Don’t give up. We need you here.